I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
