dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
