You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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