there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
