Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
