...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
