I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
