dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
