That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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