i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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