Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
