if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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