You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
