bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
