Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
