I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
