You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
