i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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