Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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