It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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