you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
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Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize