a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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