I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
