I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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