apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
