I'm eating all of the evidence.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
