She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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