Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
there is glitter all over my balls
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
