I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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