So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
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