the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I need to stop coming to work sober
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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