I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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