God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
