My first STD was from a foam party
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
