I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
