the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
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we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
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Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.