What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration