i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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