How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
