new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
