so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
