my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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