my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
