I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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