All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
two words: eviction party
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
