Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
