Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
