The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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