I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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