Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
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If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
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Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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