I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
