Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Randomize
