Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
