Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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