So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
