You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
