And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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