I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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