i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
